Ten Requirements for a Christie Craig Character

Note:  Only the Bravest Need Apply

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1)      Flaws, Wonderful Fabulous Flaws

Yeah, I know some people think heroes and heroines need to be gooder than grits, perfection at its best, to be the cream that pops up in a pot of homemade soup.  But I’m here to tell you that I’ll take a flawed character over the do-gooder every time.  Why?  Because perfection and do-gooders are boring as watching toenails grow. 

I need someone who is too stubborn for her own good, Divorced, Desperate and Delicious; someone who can’t stop fidgeting, Divorced, Desperate and Dating; someone who holds grudges for over 20 years, Divorced, Desperate and Deceived.  I need characters who speak before they think, who have footprints on the roofs of their mouths from sticking in their tootsies so much.  I need someone who makes mistakes, but is then willing to pay for them, because I never give my characters a break.

2)      Lots of Emotional Baggage

I need something to work with here.  Did your ex get caught on camera playing pin the secretary to the elevator wall?  Did your ex decide he made a better girl than a guy and start waxing and wearing  your thong underwear?  Did your ex toss you aside for an old fat woman who didn’t even have money?  If so, let’s sit down and have a heart to heart, because you just might be my kind of character.

3)      A Willingness to Compromise, Improvise, and Be Flexible

You need to know from the get-go that nothing is going to happen the way you plan it to happen.   That’s not going to be chocolate in that Godiva box.  And, honey, if you find yourself in a bad situation, weaponless, don’t just stand there and be a victim, find something to use.  What about that singing fish hanging on the wall?  Hey, have you ever seen what a toilet tank lid can do a man’s head?  And for Pete’s sake, if you find a dead guy in the Porta-Potty, just pick yourself out a tree to do your business.

4)      Secrets—The Dirtier, The Better

Did your mama swap husbands more often than she changed purses?  Is your mama a bit of a teetotaler and a hypochondriac—and in truth you’re a bit like her?   Was your daddy’s ugly mug on the most- wanted list for the FBI?  Hey, are you not who you say you are, but you’re really an undercover FBI agent hiding out in the Witness Protective Program?  If so, boy howdy, do I have a position for you.

5)      Family You Don’t Mind Poking Fun At

Now, I don’t want you to be mean, because you gotta love these people, but let’s face it, I write humor, and I’m gonna need someone I can use for comedic relief.  Plus, if you are being upfront about being flawed, there’s a good probability that you come by it naturally.  The wormy apple never falls that far from the tree, if you understand what I’m saying.  Plainly put, if you don’t have someone in your family tree I can poke a little fun at, then I’m gonna have to have all my fun with you, and that can be a hard row to hoe.

6)      At Least One Enemy We Would Love to Hate

I’m sort of known for my suspense.  And for something to be suspenseful, I need a villain.  Generally speaking, a villain is someone in your past.  And chances are you did something to piss this person off.  And for my book to be good, I need you and this villain to butt heads, and probably more than once.  Sorry to say, but it ain’t gonna be pretty.  So make sure you bring your own can of whoop-ass, because you’re gonna need it.

7)      Lover of Animals, Small Children, and Old People

You can be flawed, you can be weighed down by extra baggage, and come from a family nuttier than an extra crunchy Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup.  However, my cat better like you, and even my goldfish better think you are the finest worm on the hook.   My heroine’s dog in the book better be able to use your leg as a pissing post, and you still gotta love him and him you.  Because, deep down, where it counts, you have to have a heart of gold.  And animals, children and old people can detect a fraud quicker than you can say, “licketedy split.”    

8)      Physically Appealing

Now, don’t think you have to be cover-model perfect.  Men, you can have a crooked smile, and a few scars, but no serious shed for your tools, if you know what I mean.  A nice set of abs and wide lean-on-me shoulders are always a plus.  Women, there’s going to be something you hate about your looks—thighs that could be a tad thinner, one boob a little bigger than the other.  If you are cheerleader perfect, I’m not gonna like you and neither will my readers.  Now don’t get me wrong, you can’t be the one who fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down.    This said, my heroes won’t measure your looks by cup or pant sizes and toward the end of the book, neither will you.  There’s just something about seeing the desire in your hero’s eyes that makes you feel beautiful.

                9)  A Willingness to Expose It All and To Be Laughed At In The Process

When I say “expose,” I mean both physically and emotionally.  Yup, emotionally you’re gonna be put through the ringer and left hanging out to dry.  Oh, you’ll get through it and be a better person for the trouble, but there’s gonna be times you’d like to yell “Uncle,” but that man’s already left the building. 

Physically, your butt is gonna get naked and you won’t be alone.  While you may think it won’t ever happen--that’s called sexual tension and my editor insists I put it in there—but you are gonna get lucky.   Just to put it bluntly, a Christie Craig book is supposed to be hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.   So don’t worry, you will have some steamy fun, and so will my readers as they laugh as you fall face first into love and attempt miss the piles of poo on your way there.

10)   A Willingness To Risk It All

At times, just saying alive is gonna keep you busier that a cat covering up crap on a marble floor.  And it’s gonna get really bad because there’s going to be a lot of crap hitting right at the end.  Don’t blame me, it’s another thing my editor insists on.  He calls it a "black moment," only sometimes it last a hell of lot longer than a moment.   You might even think death is imminent.   The thing is, happily ever afters don’t come cheap.  You gotta work for them.  But here’s the thing, the promise I make to you and all my readers, you will get your happy ending.  You’ll find the love of your life and when it’s all said and done, it’s gonna make one hell of a story.

Contest

Think you've got what it takes to be a Christie Craig character? Is your own life crazier than fiction?  Do you have a nutty family or a bad history with the opposite sex? In 400 words or less tell her why you have what it takes, and you could win a soft warm Cypress bathrobe and an autographed copy of Divorced, Desperate and Deceived.   

Email your entry to Christie at christie[at]christie-craig.com by December 16.   The winner will be notified December 18, and the winning essay will be posted at her Killer Fiction blog.